| Challenging Children have wounded hearts, deeply | | | | CHILD: I was feeling mad so I took it out on the table |
| wounded during the first three years of life. They | | | | by hitting it with the vacuum. |
| suffer from tremendous loss, grief, anger, fear. Those | | | | PARENT: How did that work out for you? |
| feelings, depending on how much they have healed, | | | | CHILD: Not very good! Now I have to fix the scrape |
| run their lives much of the time, and often lead to | | | | on the table leg and I'm missing even more baseball |
| acting out. It is essential for the healing of Challenging | | | | because I got mad and blew it! |
| Children to learn to recognize and process their | | | | PARENT: How do you think you might handle it better |
| feelings. Therapy plays a big role in helping them with | | | | next time? |
| the healing process. Aside from the time in therapy, | | | | CHILD: Next time I'll tell you how mad am or jump on |
| they are at home and in activities outside home. This is | | | | the minitramp to cool down. |
| when parents or other caretakers have the | | | | PARENT: That sounds like a good plan. I'll be proud of |
| opportunity to help Challenging Children to recognize | | | | you when you get strong enough to talk out your |
| and process their feelings and further their healing. | | | | feelings instead of acting them out! |
| The five question method described in this article has | | | | Of course, it is not always as easy as that. This, |
| been used with tremendous success to help | | | | though, is the goal. First, and extremely important, your |
| Challenging Children learn to deal with their feelings | | | | child will know that your love is still there no matter |
| before acting out. Learn it and use it. In the end the | | | | what mistake he made. The second purpose is to help |
| children will thank you for it. | | | | your child make progress on handling feelings. This is a |
| Five Questions After Child Acts Out | | | | long process, so every opportunity that presents itself |
| When your Challenging Child has acted out feelings in | | | | is precious. |
| an outburst, it is important to take time together to | | | | Five Essential Tips for Processing Feelings |
| process the feelings and reconnect. To do that, sit | | | | 1. When processing feelings, never lecture. If you |
| together with the child on a sofa or big enough easy | | | | lecture, you raise the risk that in the future your child |
| chair to be close. It is ideal to bring your child onto your | | | | will not share feelings with you. Put yourself in your |
| lap. No matter how old the child is! Your child should | | | | child's shoes. Imagine that you are talking about difficult |
| place one arm around your waist, with the hand flat on | | | | feelings with your parent. Would you appreciate being |
| your back and the other hand flat on your waist. Your | | | | lectured about your feelings? What might you do the |
| hands should be flat on your child's back. Make loving | | | | next time big feelings came up? |
| eye contact with your child with your faces six to eight | | | | 2. Your child must know that you can be trusted and |
| inches apart. This is a very nurturing position and | | | | that she can come to you and tell you anything and |
| wonderful for bonding. | | | | everything. Your child must feel that you will guide him |
| As you engage in the process which follows, your | | | | through the processing of feelings and that you will |
| eyes MUST be filled with love. If you cannot maintain | | | | love her no matter what she did, said or felt. |
| love in your eyes, stop. This is a time for connecting | | | | Remember that all feelings are okay. The issue is |
| and bonding, not venting of anger. | | | | what we do with those feelings, which might not be |
| To process what happened during the outburst, ask | | | | okay. |
| the five following questions which follow. Give your | | | | 3. When processing feelings with your child, allow free |
| child time to think and accept responsibility for | | | | expression of all feelings. Allow tears to flow like a |
| whatever happened. | | | | river. Allow laughter to ricochet off the walls. Allow the |
| 1. What happened? | | | | mad to come out. |
| 2. What were you feeling before you did that? | | | | 4. Always congratulate your child for verbalizing the |
| 3. How did you handle that feeling? | | | | angry feelings rather than acting them out. It certainly is |
| 4. How did that work out for you? | | | | better that sweetums tell you, "I want to kill the puppy," |
| 5. How do you think you might handle it better the next | | | | than it is to actually attempt to kill it. Always reward the |
| time? | | | | expression of feelings with smiles and pizzazz. |
| DO NOT ask why. There is no acceptable answer to | | | | Allowing the expression of feelings freely and without |
| that question. | | | | judgment will encourage your child to express his |
| Be empathetic and validating. This is your opportunity | | | | feelings the next time. And the time after that. |
| to encourage your child to do handle their struggles | | | | 5. Hold your child through the fear, the tears, the rage, |
| with their feelings better the next time. | | | | and the joy. (Yes, some children will resist being held.) |
| A sample conversation might look like this (thank you | | | | Your child will always remember that you did and how |
| Nancy Thomas for the scenario): | | | | that helped her handle her feelings. Some children who |
| PARENT: What happened? | | | | have healed have said that being held while expressing |
| CHILD: (Response must start with "I was..." and always | | | | big feelings were the best moments of their youth. |
| use complete sentences) I was vacuuming and I | | | | Handling feelings can be difficult for the emotionally |
| banged the table with the vacuum cleaner. | | | | healthiest of us. For Challenging Children it can be next |
| PARENT: Yes you did. Good job of accepting | | | | to impossible without strong compassionate help. The |
| responsibility. Give me five! What were you feeling | | | | method described here is the best shot at success for |
| when you did that? | | | | Challenging Children. For additional tips on helping |
| CHILD: I was feeling mad because I had to vacuum | | | | Challenging Children to handle feelings, go to my blog |
| instead of playing baseball. | | | | and look at the posting entitled "3 More Important |
| PARENT: I bet that did make you feel mad! Baseball is | | | | Ways for Challenging Children to Process Feelings. |
| a lot more fun than vacuuming! How did you handle | | | | Please, also send me any tips or ideas that you might |
| that mad feeling? (You have validated the feeling and | | | | have. |
| helped the child connect their action with the feeling.) | | | | |