| When I was a little girl I had a friend named Vicki | | | | something for us that we can and should do for |
| Pedigoe. She was so sweet to me. She had long, | | | | ourselves (the definition of Rescuing). |
| straight black hair and big black eyes, with a light olive | | | | Many of the things we do for our kids do not produce |
| complexion. We were in the third grade and I had no | | | | the result that we want. We want our kids to be proud |
| other friends. She didn't either. We played together | | | | of themselves and have a healthy self respect. But |
| during every recess (back in the day when we | | | | when we constantly rescue them by running up to |
| actually had three free recess periods) and after | | | | school to deliver forgotten homework, or even do their |
| school as long as we could. She had one doll. I had a | | | | homework for them, we are teaching them that they |
| whole slew of dolls. Her doll, she claimed, was the best | | | | cannot do it for themselves. When we buy every little |
| because it was a rubber doll and it was soft and she | | | | thing they want they will not learn the sense of |
| could hold it and cuddle it. I knew she was trying to | | | | competence, personal power, and self esteem that |
| make herself feel better about it. One day she asked | | | | comes from achieving something for themselves. This |
| if she could keep the dolls in my doll carrier over night | | | | is how we model Rescuing behavior to our children. |
| to play with them. I didn't hesitate. Of course she could | | | | It's not always obvious when a child's self esteem is |
| keep them. The next day she wasn't at school. I went | | | | lagging. Often they try very hard to look better than |
| to her house. She was gone. Her whole family was | | | | they feel (ever do that yourself?). So we have to look |
| gone. I was to never see her again. I cried and cried, | | | | for clues. When she is trying a new task, does she get |
| not so much for the dolls, but for her. She was my | | | | frustrated right away, blaming others or saying |
| only friend. I didn't care that she kept the dolls, or even | | | | something disparaging about herself, like "I'm stupid". |
| that she deliberately manipulated me to give them to | | | | When he is asked a question and doesn't know the |
| her. I felt she should have them. | | | | answer, does he try to bluff, insisting his answer is |
| Now, this story is sweet on the surface. The problem | | | | correct, or guess and then become discouraged that |
| comes in when you realize that I didn't care that she | | | | he doesn't know it? When playing with a friend does |
| took them because of my own shame. I felt she | | | | she give in immediately to what the other child wants? |
| deserved them more than I did. That's what is | | | | If you answered yes to any of these you may need |
| underneath the "giving" nature of a Rescuer. | | | | to help your child with their self-esteem. Often the |
| Often kids do have big hearts. We certainly don't want | | | | outside perspective of a professional counselor can |
| to curtail that trait! But we also must help them learn | | | | help you nurture your children's self esteem. |
| the difference between being nice and being a | | | | Building self-esteem starts with not rescuing them. |
| Rescuer. To accomplish that we have to understand | | | | When we encourage them to accomplish goals for |
| that when a child has a healthy sense of themselves | | | | themselves they feel good about themselves. Teach |
| and a good solid self esteem, they won't be willing to | | | | your kids that doing things for themselves makes them |
| give more than is good for them. Secondly, we have | | | | feel proud and capable. That means when they do |
| to understand that doing things for someone when | | | | something new or achieve something they have |
| they can or should do it for themselves is not good for | | | | worked for, help them recognize how good it feels. |
| them. It is disrespectful and keeps them locked into the | | | | Then, when a friend wants them to do something for |
| role of a helpless victim. It can destroy their sense of | | | | them that they can and should do for themselves, you |
| worth and competence. | | | | can remind them of how they felt when they did things |
| Are we Rescuers? We need to pay attention to our | | | | for themselves. Then your child can make a choice |
| own tendency to care take others because children | | | | about how to respond based on their own experience |
| will do what we do, not what we say, no matter how | | | | of how it feels to accomplish something themselves. |
| many times we admonish them to do otherwise. | | | | The three components of teaching a child not to |
| To help our kids not become Rescuers we have to do | | | | Rescue require our attention to ourselves, and our |
| three things: | | | | children's behaviors. How we treat others, our children, |
| 1) curtail our own Rescuing behaviors | | | | and ourselves dramatically influences how they view |
| 2) make sure that our kids self esteem is in tact | | | | themselves and react to their world. So pay attention. |
| 3) teach them how it feels to have someone do | | | | |